The Question Behind the Question
“Dad, are we poor?” A question so simple, yet so difficult. A question that may arise in a child’s mind when they look at a classmate’s new phone, hear that a friend is going to travel abroad, see a bigger house, a more expensive car, or realize that their own family cannot buy everything that others can. And then the parent is called upon to answer. Not only an economic question, but a deeper psychological need: “Are we worth less because we have less?” Perhaps, then, one of the most beautiful answers is: “No, my love. We’re rich; we just don’t have much money.”
From “I Have” to “I Am”
Children become aware of social and economic differences much earlier than we think. They observe, compare, and draw conclusions. Social comparison is a natural part of human development. A child sees what someone else has and wonders what that means about themselves. The problem does not lie in comparison itself, but in the meaning the child gives it. “John has better shoes than I do” is an observation. “Therefore, John is better than me” is now an interpretation. And when that interpretation is repeated, it can gradually become a belief: “Whoever has more is worth more.”
This is exactly where parental presence is needed. Not to tell the child that money does not matter at all. That would be inaccurate. Money matters. It provides security, access to goods, education, experiences and, in many cases, better living conditions. But it is not a measure of human worth. “Having” is one thing; “being” is another. A child needs to learn to separate financial means from personal worth.
When Comparison Touches Self-Esteem
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps us understand precisely this process. We do not respond only to what happens, but also to the way we interpret what happens. A child sees a classmate with an expensive phone. That is the fact. The thought may be: “My parents can’t buy me one.” The emotion may be sadness, shame, jealousy, or anger. But if the thought “therefore we are inferior” follows, then the child is not simply experiencing an economic difference; they are experiencing a threat to their own self-esteem.
This is where a parent can use, even without knowing the term, Socratic questioning. Instead of immediately saying, “Don’t be silly,” they can ask: “What makes you think that because someone has more expensive things, they are also a better person?”, “If a friend of yours had no money, would you love them less?”, “What do you love most about your best friend? Their things, or the way they treat you?”, “What do we have that cannot be bought?” With these questions, we do not impose a ready-made answer on the child. We help them examine the thought for themselves and develop a more balanced perspective.
When Economic Difference Becomes an Internal Schema
The theory of Early Maladaptive Schemas developed by Jeffrey Young takes us even deeper. Childhood experiences can, under certain conditions, contribute to the formation of deeper schemas about the self, others, and the world. A child who repeatedly experiences economic differences as a personal inadequacy may begin to organize their experiences around a Defectiveness/Shame schema: “Something is missing in me. I am not enough.” The Social Isolation/Alienation schema may also be activated: “I don’t belong with the others. I am different.” In other cases, it may touch on the Failure schema: “Others are more successful. I will always be behind.”
This does not mean that every child in a family facing financial difficulties will develop maladaptive schemas. Financial hardship on its own does not determine psychological development. What matters greatly is the meaning it acquires within the family. If the child hears every day “we don’t have,” “we can’t,” “others are better off than us,” “we are unlucky,” they may begin to see the world through the lens of deprivation. Alternatively, they may hear: “We can’t buy this right now, but that says nothing about our worth.” The reality remains the same, but the psychological message changes radically.
The Vulnerable Child and the Need for Security
Through Schema Modes, which can be understood as different states or “parts” of the self, we can also understand the intensity of the child’s reaction. When they feel disadvantaged, the Vulnerable Child may be activated: “Others have more. I am not enough.” But the Angry Child may also appear: “Why don’t I have it? Why can everyone else? It’s unfair!” The parent does not need to ridicule this feeling, nor satisfy it by immediately buying whatever the child asks for. First, they need to acknowledge it: “I understand that you’re upset. I understand that you would like it too.” Accepting the emotion does not mean accepting every demand.
Here we also encounter the importance of secure attachment. The child needs to feel that, even when they do not get what they want, they do not lose their parents’ love, attention, and emotional availability. Real security is not created only by how many things there are in a home. It is also created by the certainty: “When I am afraid, someone will listen to me. When I am sad, someone will hold me. When I fail, they will not stop loving me. When I do not have what others have, I still belong here.”
When a Parent Carries Their Own Deprivation
This is also where parents themselves need to be careful. Often it is not the child who fears poverty first. It is the parent. The adult may carry their own wounds, deprivations, and schemas from childhood and, without realizing it, pass them on to the child. A father who grew up feeling inferior because he did not have what his classmates had may feel guilty every time he cannot buy something for his own child. And then he may try to heal his old wound through today’s purchases.
That is why it is worth the parent asking themselves a few Socratic questions: “Why do I feel like a failure when I cannot buy something for my child?”, “Who taught me that a good parent is one who provides everything?”, “What will my child remember when they grow up? The toy I did not buy, or the way I made them feel at home?”, “Am I trying to meet a genuine need of my child, or one of my own old feelings of guilt?” These questions often reveal that behind a parent’s excessive consumption lies not the child’s need, but the parent’s own wounded child part.
What Real Wealth Means to a Child
Real wealth in a child’s eyes is not an abstract philosophical concept. It is made up of specific experiences. It is a home where they feel safe. A parent who has time to listen. A table where they can talk. An “I’m proud of your effort” when they fail. A hug when they are afraid. A game together. A walk. A joke they will remember years later. It is the experience that “I matter even when I do not succeed, even when I am not first, even when I do not have what others have.”
Of course, there is no need to idealize poverty or present financial difficulty as something beautiful. Financial insecurity can place a significant burden on a family and create genuine anxiety. The aim is not to tell the child “money doesn’t matter.” The aim is to teach them that money has value, but it does not determine a person’s value. It is a tool for life, not an identity.
In this way, we can also teach gratitude without invalidating desire. A child can want something more and at the same time appreciate what they have. We can say: “I understand that you want it. I wish we could get it too. Right now, though, we can’t.” This response is very different from “stop asking, we don’t have money.” The first acknowledges the desire, sets a boundary, and preserves dignity. The second can turn a simple financial limitation into shame.
The Lesson That Lasts a Lifetime
And perhaps, in the end, this small conversation is one of the most important life lessons a child can receive. Because one day they will grow up and find themselves in a world that constantly tells them they need something more in order to be enough: more money, a better car, a bigger house, more followers, a better body, greater professional success. But if a stable sense of personal worth has been built within them, they will be able to desire, strive, and grow without believing that their worth depends on what they possess.
Perhaps, then, when a child asks, “Dad, are we poor?”, they do not need a lecture on economics. They need an honest answer and an open embrace. “We may not have what some others have. There may be things we cannot buy today. But look around you. We have people who love us. We have a home where we can laugh, cry, get angry, and find our way back to one another. We have time, moments, relationships, love, and dignity. And above all, your worth will never be measured by the price of the things you hold in your hands.”
Because in the end, someone can have a lot and still feel constantly poor. And someone else may not have much money, but may have learned to recognize what truly gives meaning to life. This is perhaps the most important thing we can teach our children: “I may not have everything I want. But that does not mean I am lacking in worth. I am not what I have. I am who I am, the people I love, the relationships I build, and the way I choose to face life.”
And then the phrase “We’re rich; we just don’t have much money” stops being a beautiful play on words.
It becomes a way of life.
References
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Serido, J., Shim, S., Mishra, A., & Tang, C. (2010). Financial parenting, financial coping behaviors, and well-being of emerging adults. Family Relations, 59(4), 453–464.
Webley, P., & Nyhus, E. K. (2006). Parents’ influence on children’s future orientation and saving. Journal of Economic Psychology, 27(1), 140–164.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.
